I am a firm believer in the use of “gray” magic. Right now, I am a firm practitioner of Chaos Magic. It is not inherently evil or harmful, but I do use it in a way that lets the Universe know of my intentions. The Universe is freely able to grant to deny these wishes and that is where I am in my journey. I let all of my energies and intentions loose into the Cosmos. I then let the powers above me decide if my causes are just and can be fulfilled. No one is more aware than I of Karmic retribution. I have done spell work before that has backfired on me. I have learned and adjusted my thinking. When I practice my craft now, my main intentions are listed, presented, sent into the Universe and then I give it up. I am always aware that I speak with emotion and feeling as a human, but as a witch, I am offering those words as a moniker of my reality. Good or bad. My reality is my own and I feel no quandary in offering blessings and curses….both have equal merit and both are deserved.
As a Capricorn, I crave comfort. Not plush, velvet sofas, but the comforts of the heart. I have felt little to none over my lifetime. When I do feel comforted, it equates to love, and what equates to love for me is almost never what the other person intended. How am I to live outside of my own head? Is everything a made up fantasy that I childishly indulge until I’m forced to confront it? I’m not even sure what I believe anymore. What is real….what is fantasy….I’m beginning to sound like a Queen song. “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality”. I try to push it all to the back of my head and not let it be ever constant on my mind. However, that same Capricorn brain, keeps me up at night just trying to reconfigure the system. Understand and identify the problem. Defrag the unit. In other words, my thoughts are on a constant loop in my head and it’s not always pretty. In fact, it often quite dark and sinister. These things, these thoughts, these hopes and beliefs….they won’t let me get outside of my own head and viewpoint long enough to be objective. I need to learn how to be more cautious in my flinging around of my feelings. I can not seem to find any peace in the face of my own decisions. In short, I feel lost. Lost in my own darkness. Lost in the bewilderment I feel in this plane of existence. Lost in this world. My soul longs for sleep…for peace. It seems ever out of reach. I do not know where to go from here. This place of limbo I find myself inhabiting has become my own personal Purgatory. If only I could have the nothingness surrounding me to be silent and not ever questioning and seeking. It is exhausting and I honestly just feel weary from the weight of my own soul.
I am an Earth Witch called to the Sea….not sure why, but the ions in the air are different….the Moon is different…..and I am different. There is a peace and solace there that I long to capture. On a recent excursion, I managed a glimpse of my longed for seashore. The air seemed charged with electricity. The constant pulling and churning of the waves, in many ways, seemed to mirror my own soul. I believe there is great magic there. Great depths and unseen forces working under a firmament of wondrously bright stars. I was there under the Capricorn Full Moon. Fitting in most respects due to my astrological sign, but also fitting in other ways. I was there to see a great friend whom I believe to be a soulmate of mine. We are two tossed and turbulent beings that found comfort and peace in the company of one another. That comfort has since seemed to wane and turn one sided. I was once told to “be my own rock” and learn to bear all on my own, but that is not how I can be my best self. Two pillars holding up a home are much better than a single tree bearing all of the weight. I need a partner who can see this and not be angered or even apathetic to the needs of my moon child heart. This leaves me wondering if this particular location is were I am hearing my call, or from the mighty roar of the Ocean herself. That night as I sat and stared at the Capricorn moon, so full and brilliantly white, the calm it affected upon me was palpable. I know that the Universe guides all and I do not know what will become of me to any degree of certainty at this moment, however, I can say that I know full well I am destined to live along the seashore….to sleep to the sound of waves crashing…to hear the resounding thunder as the lightning strikes out at the unfathomable depths before me….and always the Moon. The gorgeous, brightly shining Bella Luna above me. I do not know where along this shore I will end up, but one thing is certain most to me…I belong there. It is willed of the Universe and I will make it. Until then, I hold onto vivid memories of sand and sea and salt. I feel the electric charge in the air and I know I am heading in that direction.
Nothing is harder in this life than walking around on constant guard. Having to bear the unshakable fear of being open and vulnerable, has lead me since childhood, to split myself into two distinct places of being. On one side, I have the Moon guided self, that throws itself at all things full force. When I give my all for something, it is indeed my all. My deepest longings are indulged and sought after. This happens more as a willful, wanting self that is completely open and raw. Exposing my chest to the pain of the sharpened blade, never fearing the piercing blow that may come and open it, laying me bare. The second side, is under a self induced quarantine. Perhaps starting as a child, this slow, thick wall of stone or brick building around my heart to make it impenetrable to even the sharpest of arrows. I often do battle with these opposing forces within at my own peril. The Moon side telling me to open and let the Lotus bloom, while the cold, amassing, steel covers and protects against the very thing that I wish to feel. The absurdity of it all, is that while one part desires the destruction, the other will begin reinforcing the wall of protection even as I fling myself directly into the fire. Perhaps it did begin in childhood as a way of protecting myself from the pain I endured, but as I have grown older, it has become more and more an entity of it’s own. Like a sentient thing, it builds and guards and leaves me to deal with the damage I inflict upon myself. I have tried so very hard to be an open and honest spirit, but that path is increasingly covered with the thorny branches of experience and knowledge. These thorns I no longer heed. I allow them to pierce and prick and then I stand before a mirror, in complete astonishment, as to why the blood flows so freely from my open wounds. The hardened shell around my soul that grows ever thicker with each similar experience, stands and mocks the bewildered me staring at the wound. It laughs and tells me how I should have known, should have seen it coming, should have not fought it and allowed the construction to continue. It mocks me that I should allow the cement to harden. The struggle between the two parts leaves me exhausted. Inevitably, I will expose an unfinished piece of that wall and hold my chest open for another to see….to judge….to wound. Even as I have yet to find anyone who will not gladly add their arrows to the collection already building there, I still hope there is that one who may surprise me and hold a hand of healing over the open wound and pluck out the arrows one by one. The laughing image in the mirror again mocks, and the stone again prepares to build, as it watches me stare at my wounds laid bare. To be struck and feel the blow, no matter how painful, represents the life and chances I am still willing to take…and yes, even give as well. The stone exterior protects but also deadens me to the happiness that might yet find me. It is a cruel juxtaposition of two hands both struggling in inner turmoil to rule over my damaged spirit. I will most assuredly expose yet another tiny piece of myself that has as yet remained open and vulnerable. I do this knowing I may again stand in front of that mirror of self reflection that laughs and shakes it’s head as it puts another brick into the wall. I face this mirror daily and know its cruel judgment, yet to ignore it and let it win the day, will bring me nothing but a stony place where a soft and yielding heart might be…..and which is worse?
I can give you no real explanation as to how I plan to live alone. I do so cherish my space and my own solitude. I have learned to practice my beliefs alone. I write alone. I create alone. Surrounded by people, I manage to live inside my own mind…always alone. How my soul yearns for that soft place to fall. The place that catches you and envelops you and soothes your rampant thoughts. I’ve come to expect this loneliness. I’ve come to appreciate certain aspects of it. However, The things I can not accept are the aching moments when you want nothing more than the familiar and similar soul to your own to comfort you. Don’t we all desire and covet that comfort? Someone who can give and receive this freely? I feel, sometimes, that I must have chosen a cursed existence when I took my pagan name. After all, she could not find happiness among the mortals and crossed over the Sidhe to the land of the Fae and the Tuatha De Denann…..Is that my fate as well? Must I cross over to find happiness? It does feel that way sometimes, and truth be told, I find it more appealing these days. It is so very easy to say loving platitudes and present a caring front, but what of the real thing? Why is it ever elusive? Every time in the past, when I think I have it, it turns out to be merely smoke and mirrors. I absolutely know that I have it now and that it is real, but it is as yet unreachable. It is beyond my grasp and yet more powerful than anything before it. Like a child’s safety blanket, I cling to my ideas and hopes. If for no other reason than my own sanity, I cling to it. There has to be a purpose to this exhaustion. A purpose for the absolute mixed feeling of loss and hope all mashed together. Am I just dreaming? Can I be happy? Is it so much to want those things? The longing of it is felt within my very bones, my soul, my deepest core being. I trust in the Universe to bring this about for me, just as I trust the Universe to continue this ever dimming fire in my heart that this very possibility sustains.
In about 2 weeks I take my first solo road trip. Daunting? Yes. I’m traveling about 10 hours solo, so I’m a bit nervous. The other thing I realize, is that, I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE! How did I get to be 43 and never traveled this type of distance alone? Well, because I’m a great big chicken….and never really had a reason. My reason is as old as time itself, but even more than that, this is a huge deal for me! I will most likely regret watching movies like Wolf Creek or Rest Stop and will try to not stop and pee too much, but it is a defining moment in my life. I am going to prove to myself that I can do this. I can travel and enjoy it and I don’t NEED another person. I have always dreamed of the Thelma and Louise adventure, but I want to prove that it isn’t necessary to have that side partner to enjoy the trip. Exciting? Yes! I can’t wait to see things and places I’ve never seen. I want to experience things that I can remember fondly later. I have no idea when I’ll be able to take this type of trip again, so I fully intend to soak up every moment of this one. Now, if I can only avoid the police chase or random Final Destination log truck on the interstate…all will be well!
Less than 2 weeks ago, I met someone who sparked something within my soul. This person did, said and shared things that I had been told over and over again were unrealistic to expect from another person. They mirrored my own soul. The person then left to live in another state. Fate can be so cruel…but It is also a great teacher. I learned that people I was told didn’t exist, do indeed! That fact alone covers the frustration and leaves a ray of hope. Hope that is sorely needed and proof that healed the fracture in my heart that I thought would always be open and bleeding. Lessons learned in life are not always easy and will often require blood and tears, but they are needed. Although we can’t be together, it shows me the possibilities and the absolute intervention and control the Universe has over my life. I trust it more than myself. I just have to always remember the Universe gives as you can learn…..so I leave myself open to knowledge.